I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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