I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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