I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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