i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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