I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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