Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
