saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
