you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
NoShamevember. You game?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
