the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
