Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
