I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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