Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
