apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
