Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
