Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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