She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
