We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
