How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
