Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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