My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
