Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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