so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
