I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
