how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
