haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
