I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
