Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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