remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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