I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
