I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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