The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
