Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
