Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
