Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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