tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
