Your dad touched me again.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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