I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I supernannyed him into submission
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
