First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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