pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
