She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
