I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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