I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
