He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
