Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
