I think im going to throw up on grandma
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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