Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
