You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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