it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
