I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
