your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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