I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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