I'm lost and stupid without you.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
