You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
